


I Won't Let You Fall

by AmandineInsensible



Category: Gokusen - All Media Types, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-02-13 11:08:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12982764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmandineInsensible/pseuds/AmandineInsensible
Summary: Ryu has been acting different for months now and no matter how many times Hayato tries to get him to talk, Ryu won't budge. Instead, Ryu lies to Hayato in order to avoid him but, Hayato isn't going to give up on his best friend.





	I Won't Let You Fall

Hayato Yabuki was pissed off. No, he was far from it. He was a ticking time-bomb ready to explode at any given moment.  
Fuelled with rage and betrayal as he stormed through the front doors of Kurogin and proceeded to mount the staircase, his shoes clapping against the linoleum like thunder. Students moved out of his path, careful not to unleash his anger.

Perhaps Hayato wouldn’t have been so angry if Ryu had just told him his problems instead of lying and saying that nothing was wrong. Hayato hated being lied to, especially from Ryu- his best friend. Hayato hated when people kept things from him. If something was wrong, he wanted to know so he could do something about it.

Ryu had lied once again about his wellbeing for the umpteenth time this week.

“I’ll come to class” he told Hayato who had tried to get Ryu to talk to him. The jerk lied to him. Hayato had been waiting for Ryu to show, if only he did. He sat in class trying to restrain himself from picking up a desk and throwing it across the damn class. It wasn’t until he was walking home after school had long since finished that something registered in his mind.

He was going to see Ryu whether he liked it or not.

“You bastard!” He shouted, pushing the rooftop door open slamming it with so much force he could hear the glass window crack. He approached the copper-haired boy who stood by the end of the roof, turning in fright to see a fuming brunette.

“Haya-“

“You’re a fucking liar, y’know that!?” He yelled, leaning in close, invading Ryu’s personal space and glaring at him. “You tell me you’ll come to class and you fucking lie to me again?! You’re an asshole!” Hayato raised his fist and landed a harsh punch to Ryu’s jaw, causing the boy to stumble back and land on the ground with a thud.

“How dare you treat me like an idiot! You think lying to me about this shit is going to make me believe that you’re okay?!”. Ryu stared up at him with a shocked face, his jaw bruised and a stream of crimson red streaking down by the left side of his temple from hitting his head during the fall. His eyes were filled with confusion and shock as he looked at Hayato like a wounded animal.

“All you do is lie to me!” Hayato continued “I’m fucking worried about you! Why can’t you tell me what the fuck is wrong?! I’m here for you goddamnit!” He stared at the fragile boy, a small piece of anger lifted from his shoulders after venting his frustrations. He had kept his curiosity in for too long and he couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Ryu please!” He practically begged, kneeling to Ryu’s level. “Tell me what’s wrong!”

The copper boy remained quiet but stared at his friend with broken eyes, he tried to open his mouth but Hayato could see the tears threatening to spill. It pulled at Hayato’s heart strings and he sat down in front of him.  
Ryu looked away at the view surrounding them and exhaled a deep sigh.

The sunset glow swept along the horizon and a subtle breeze settled around them. School was long over, and they were almost sure they were the only students on the grounds. The world around them was orange and quiet. Ryu knew he wouldn’t be able to escape this time. He should have known it would come to this sooner or later. His heart was pounding in his chest as he brought his knees to his chin and wrapped his arms around himself, burying his face in his knees to avoid looking at Hayato.

“Ryu…” the other whispered, voice full of worry “Ryu please…don’t hide from me anymore, let me help you…”  
A small sniffle caused Ryu to look up at Hayato. His eyes widened a little when he saw tears streaking down Hayato’s cheeks, his eyes red and blurred with tears. He looked away from Ryu and wiped his eyes quickly, inhaling and exhaling deep breaths.

“You’re my best friend Ryu,” he said, “If anything were to happen to you, I don’t know how I would manage…”. Another tear streamed down his cheek. He bit his lip and looked at Ryu who turned away.

“Goddammit Ryu… whatever it is that you’re going through… Tell me! Don’t lie to me about it. Let me help you please!” He kept his eyes on Ryu who shook his head slightly.

“I’m sorry Hayato… I can’t…”

Hayato let a few more tears fall as he clenched his fist, and out of anger, punched the brick wall neck to them and dragged his knuckles along it, shredding his skin, his hand was now raw and bleeding.

“H-Hayato-!” Ryu stammered but Hayato only glared at him with puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

“Why can’t you tell me?! Do you have any idea what it’s like for me to cry myself to sleep every night because I’m worried about you?! I’m scared Ryu! I’m scared because I don’t want to go to school and be told that my best friend has fucking killed himself!”

Ryu stared at the ground. “I wouldn’t do that…” he whispered, the tone making it seem like he wasn’t even sure of that.

“But how am I supposed to know that?! You don’t talk to me! And how could I believe you if you keep lying to me like this?!”

Ryu stayed quiet.

Hayato stared at him. “Do you think about it? Hurting yourself?”

The question was so sudden that Ryu glanced up quickly and stared at him, but still didn’t say anything.

“Ryu…” he said a little louder “Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”

Still no response and Hayato’s heart pounded faster. “Ryu!” He nearly shouted.

“There’s nothing left for me here…” Ryu whispered after a while.

Hayato’s eyes widened in shock “Don’t you dare fucking say that Ryu! Not now, not ever! Don’t you dare think for one goddamn second that there’s nothing here for you! If there was nothing here for you then there’d be nothing left for me either okay!”

Ryu stared at him weakly. “You don’t know what it’s like to feel so alone when there’s so much people around you smiling… to go through every day behind some façade… I’m trapped in this hell and I can’t go on anymore-“ he began to raise his voice. “I can’t stand this bullshit anymore! I can’t take it! I’m done!” There were tears streaming down his cheeks “There’s no reason to carry on living… I don’t see the point in it…”

Hayato clenched his jaw and exhaled between sobs. “Ryu…” he whispered sadly “This isn’t a solution…”

“Oh really?” Ryu replied, his demeanor changing into sarcasm as he shouted “Then what is it?! What is the solution to cure my messed-up life? Because so far- “he shoved his arms in front of Hayato so suddenly that it caused his friend to fall back slightly before pulling both of his sleeves up. “-This is the only thing I’m good at!”

Hayato looked mortified as he saw Ryu’s arms, both tainted and abused with cuts, cigarette burns and bruises. Some fresh, some recent and some which had healed into scars. Hayato had practically lost it by now as he sobbed. The marks were deep. Deep enough that they required stitching, but it didn’t appear that Ryu had actually gotten any. Thoughts and questions entered Hayato’s find fast. He couldn’t think of any answers.

“R-Ryu… why?”

“It’s the only thing I’m good at,” he whispered through tears.

Hayato couldn't describe his emotions. Was he angry at Ryu for resolving to self-harm? Was he sad? Was he anything? He wasn’t sure. He was crying just as much as Ryu was as he took his arm and gazed over the marks.

“How long have you been doing this…?”

Hayato caught the look of shame on Ryu’s face as he turned away. “Nearly eight months… but I use to do it in Junior high”

Hayato looked at him in surprise “I can’t believe I didn’t notice anything…”

“That time in Junior high-“ Ryu broke in “-when I was hospitalized, I had told you I caught a really bad cold… that was a lie.”

“Y-you mean… you weren’t sick?”

Ryu shook his head and pointed to the thick scar closest to his wrist “I had cut too deep and had to go to hospital. I told my parents I tripped and knocked over a vase. It sounds stupid, but they believed it.”

Hayato began to cry harder as he looked at Ryu and shook his head with sorrow. Ryu watched in guilt. “I was too scared to tell you,” he admitted “I was scared you would leave me and tell everybody what happened.” Hayato tried to take a deep breath and control himself but ended up crying even more.

“Don’t cry…” Ryu whispered as he approached the brunette and wrapped his arms around him. “Please don’t cry.” He wiped Hayato’s eyes with the pad of his thumb, the brunette’s jaw was trembling as he exhaled deep breaths.

“How am I supposed to not cry when my best friend has been doing this to himself?” he asked. “You should have come to me the moment you were feeling depressed!”

“But I couldn’t…” Ryu said apologetically. “You wouldn’t know how to help me… nobody would have known what to do…”

Hayato was silent, Ryu gave a sympathetic smile. “See? It’s hard to deal with someone who can’t even deal with themselves.”

“But that doesn’t mean to throw yourself deeper into this pain, Ryu!” Hayato objected. Ryu shrugged. “What do you think is worse? Self-harm, or me actually going through with suicide?”

“-Neither!” Hayato cried out, grabbing a hold of Ryu’s shoulders. “I don’t want you to do either of them! Ryu please! Stop it!”  
He was on the verge of hysteria as he raised his voice. He was inches from Ryu’s face with tears flowing down his cheeks. “Please Ryu! Don’t do this anymore! I don’t want you hurting yourself any longer! Please goddammit! Stop!”

Ryu sat there, looking at the pain in his best friend’s eyes. He looked away, trying to avoid the guilt that ran through him. He hadn’t intended on hurting his friend, in fact he hadn’t thought of the effect it would leave him in. Ryu looked at him and caressed his cheek.

“I’m sorry to put you through this. You’re the most important thing in my life and I don’t want you to be pulled down because of me.”  
Hayato touched Ryu’s hand as he held his cheek and stared at his arms that were still exposed. Some scars were so close to his wrists that Hayato had to fight back more tears. Hayato turned away, shivering before Ryu moved forward and wrapped his arms around Hayato.

Hayato couldn't help but feel that a part of this, if not all was his fault. He should've noticed the signs earlier, if he hadn't been acting so high and mighty about himself he would've been able to help Ryu. He would've been able to help him fight his illness. Fuck… Hayato had really fucked up. He wanted to punch himself so hard.

Ryu must've sensed his unease and almost as if reading his mind, he shook his head "this isn't your fault Hayato. I need you to know that none of this is your fault."

"But I should've done something sooner…!" Hayato teared up again, his bottom lip trembling.

Ryu caressed his cheek. "Not a lot of people can sense problems in others. You didn't know okay? It’s not your fault. Nobody knew and that's okay".

The reassuring wasn't easing Hayato. It could've taken god to say it wasn't his fault and he'd still think it was. "But I-"

“No.” Ryu responded firmly “It’s not your fault. None of it is your fault and I want you to understand that, I want you to believe that.”

Hayato looked at the seriousness in Ryu’s eyes, he knew Ryu meant it. Hayato nodded softly. “Okay… I believe you- but, please. Stop. Stop it for my sake. I’ll look after you from now on.”

“Hayato, you’ve always been looking after me-“

“I know. But I’ll look after you even more. I’ll be with you more. I’ll keep you company whenever I can. Please Ryu, I don’t want you to do this anymore. I want to help you be happy. Truly happy.”

Hayato had determination in his eyes. Ryu could see it and he knew Hayato wouldn’t give up.

Ryu nodded after a few moments. “Okay.”

Hayato smiled and Ryu returned it before spending the rest of the evening together on the rooftop and watching the sunset.


End file.
